Sorry Adam, My Wife is Hot

My buddy Adam ranted in his blog today about guys who describe their wives as hot. Adam said it makes him cringe every time he hears it. Well… I cringed when I read Adam’s blog, because I am one of the people he referred to. “I have a hot wife!”

Don’t worry, I’m not “dissing” on my friend Adam. I called him up to ask him if he thought I should write this little pushback to his blog. He welcomed the banter. I think his opinion is valid. I just wanted him and others to hear from the other side… guys who just can’t keep quiet about their hot wives!

So in response to Adam’s “Yes, your wife is hot” blog, here are my reasons why I don’t hesitate to mention how hot my wife is:

  • I actually mean it! I’m not just forcing it or trying to be demonstrative, I really think my wife is hot. I don’t say it when I’m speaking at a church and she’s sitting right there in the front pew—she would be embarrassed. She doesn’t want people looking at her to see if she is hot. But I don’t hesitate to say it if the subject of my wife comes up when I’m talking with a friend, when I’m teaching a workshop, or even speaking to teenagers at a camp. If you hear me mention my wife, you’ll almost always hear me say something about how amazing or beautiful she is. I can’t resist!
  • Adam says it’s immature. I’ve been called immature for a lot worse!
  • More guys should think that their wives are hot! Unfortunately, 87% of men admitted to using porn in the year prior. That’s a lot of men that are looking at other women and thinking that they’re hot. I really don’t want to be in that group, and, speaking completely candidly, there are way too many men who are comfortable “looking around.” Sadly, we men all have friends who don’t hesitate to “look” as long as they “don’t touch.” You’ll hear guys say, “Just because I’m on the diet, it doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.” Sorry guys, I’m not buying it. I really don’t want to look around, because I’ve witnessed too many guys noticing that the grass is greener wherever they look. Personally, I really like my grass. (Did that come out wrong?)
  • I said it way before Talladega Nights.
  • Our wives need to know that we truly think they are beautiful. Hopefully, men aren’t just putting on a show. They should tell their wives how beautiful they are, and often! I daily tell Lori how hot she is. Sadly, this is often met with a chuckle, followed by, “Yeah, right.” Same thing when I tell my daughters how beautiful they are. They often say, “Well you only say that because you’re my dad.” It’s sad how poor the self-esteem of our women has become today. Today’s women are bombarded with images of how they “should” look, with perfect skin, ginormous breasts, and anorexic waistlines. Today’s females are often trying to measure up to an image that doesn’t even exist. It’s sad what these media-images are doing to our women. Our women need to hear how beautiful they truly are from people who mean it and really care about them. I’m entranced with my wife like the Song of Solomon poet. I love her eyes, the curve of her back… and for her sake, I won’t got into any more detail like the Bible does (but I do enjoy fruit).
  • Our young men need to be head over heals crazy about the woman they marry, in all aspects. As a minister who has married lots of couples and is counseling a couple now, I’ve seen this backfire both ways. I’ve seen a man be infatuated with a woman’s looks only. The marriage didn’t last. On the other hand I’ve seen a man “settle” for a woman he really liked, but wasn’t attracted to. This marriage, like so many, ended up with him having a porn addiction. Criticize me if you want, but an attractive spouse is very important to men (Dr. Willard Harley talks about that fact in detail in his book, His Needs Her Needs). That better not be the only reason a man marries a woman, but couples should never “settle.” Those marriages are doomed from the start.
  • And Adam… just because you brought it up, my wife does make a mighty fine meat loaf! (As hot as she is, she knows that food will always come before sex in our house) (That was meant as to infer priority, not sequence, but I’ll gladly take the latter on any day).

That’s all I got.

So if you don’t think men should call their wife “hot,” then that’s okay. Really. I might have it wrong, but my intentions are right. I don’t have it all together, but I definitely can’t help but smother my wife with love and affection. I’m a tireless romantic. My kids probably grow tired of me kissing my wife’s neck in the kitchen (and then helping her do the dishes).

My daughter Alyssa told me the nicest thing a few weeks ago. She said, “How is any guy I date ever gonna measure up to you? If he brings flowers, I’m going to think, Only flowers? Where’s my poetry? Where’s my personalized romantic iTunes playlist? Where’s my surprise trip to the ocean?”

My wife is so much more than hot! (and yes, I did make a playlist called “Lori”)

About Jonathan McKee

president of The Source for Youth Ministry, is the author of over a dozen books including the new Get Your Teenager Talking, The Guy's Guide to God, Girls and the Phone in Your Pocket, The Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide for Teenager, and youth ministry books like Ministry By Teenagers, Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, and the 10-Minute Talks series. Jonathan speaks and trains at conferences, churches and events across North America, all while providing free resources for youth workers and parents on his websites, TheSource4YM.com and TheSource4Parents.com. You can follow Jonathan on his blog, getting a regular dose of youth culture and parenting help. Jonathan and his wife Lori, and their three teenagers Alec, Alyssa and Ashley live in California.
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22 Responses to Sorry Adam, My Wife is Hot

  1. adam mclane says:

    I’m going to have to take you up on that challenge about the meat loaf.

  2. I’m sorry, Jonathan can’t come to the phone right now, he’s eating meat loaf. Please leave your name and number…

  3. Lars Rood says:

    I want to publicly say here I think Adam is hot

  4. Ryan says:

    I have to say that I understand where Adam is coming from, though I agree with everything you wrote Jonathan. It just seems like some guys in ministry specifically make such a big deal about saying this from the mic every chance they get…almost like they have something to prove and it just doesn’t feel sincere most of of the time (at least to me). And when you do it over and over it kind of loses its effect. I’m thinking of so many guest/camp speakers I have listened to in my life – seems like a bit of line or part of their “routine” rather than a heart-felt statement. I just hope they do what you suggest and tell their wives that consistently when they are at home, because I agree that as husbands we need to be doing that more and more. Great post…I’m going to go tell my wife how attractive she is right now. :)

    • I agree wholeheartedly Ryan. I think the “one-on-one” moments of “you are beautiful” probably speak much louder (a little less “Hey everyone, look at what a good husband I am!”) …so I’m glad you’re telling your wife that right now! Do it again in the morning tomorrow, at lunch, at dinner…

  5. Chico says:

    Jonathan, all I can say is “Amen.” As a man who KNOWS my wife is, indeed, hot, I couldn’t help but Like and Share this on FB. I like to remind her (and anyone else who will listen) how hot (and great, and selfless, culinarily (is that a word?) gifted) she is.

  6. dan manns says:

    This is some good banter! Personally, I think it’s good for men to call their wives ‘hot’ in the right context as long as respect for her remains intact. If husbands have a problem it’s that they don’t compliment their wives enough. And too many wives would testify that the only time their husbands do compliment them is when they want something… and we’re not talking about meatloaf. I love Prov 31 where it says that a virtuous wife’s husband “has no need of spoil”. To me “spoils” = looking elsewhere for satisfaction, (whether that’s porn or at other women). If you have a Prov 31 wife then your eyes and your heart have no need/ desire to wander.
    Lastly I’d like to say that my Prov 31 wife is hotter than yours.

  7. Michelle says:

    As usual, I agree with Jonathan wholeheartedly! Although it still makes me blush–after 20 plus years–I appreciate it when my husband tells me I’m beautiful, privately or publicly.

  8. Jill says:

    OK, a lot of men are commenting, but I’m going to throw this out…..my husband and I just had this conversation LAST WEEK because it was bugging me. Honestly, as a woman, it makes me uncomfortable to hear a husband say that (especially from the pulpit)…..and ESPECIALLY if his wife really is hot! If you’re a woman that struggles with any form of low self esteem, underneath the laughing and chuckling from the congregation…..there are the women that will compare themselves to that woman, AND really want to ask their husbands if they think she’s hot too (dreading the answer)…….I think that some women may distance themselves from that “hot woman” too, stupid or not, because they are now insecure around her. I don’t know if this makes total sense, but go ahead and ask your wives:)

    • Jill… I really appreciate your comments here. So far you and Michelle are the only two women to respond, and I think it’s good to hear both your opinions. I like what you said about the struggle some women might have comparing with others. Sure, it’s not good to do that… but hey… it’s a struggle. And I think it’s a good note to NOT put people in positions where they struggle. This whole banter is making me think about the issue quite a bit. Like I said, I never do it when she’s right there (because I don’t want people to stare, compare, etc.), but I do talk about how amazing my wife is often when I’m speaking on the road. I don’t think those comments are bad, but as I reflect back on Ryan’s comment last night- I definitely agree that the one-on-one moments of “you are beautiful” are the most effective and probably the most genuine. Men should probably try to start there first, and if that trickles over into their conversations with others and doesn’t make anyone feel awkward… so be it.

      • Jill says:

        As I’ve been thinking this afternoon (like I said I’ve been mulling it over the last couple of weeks), it may just be the word “hot”…….that conjures up totally different thoughts than beautiful…..that’s what our culture is all about……look @ the pouty faces on the facebook pages taken in the bathroom mirror…..girls trying to be “hot”, not beautiful …..maybe that’s a big part of it too

  9. Danielle says:

    This is my first time commenting on your blog, although I’m an avid follower. I have to say I agree fully with both your post as well as Jill’s comment. As unfortunate as it it, Jill is 100% right (agreement coming from another woman).

    On the other hand, in reference to the later lines of your post and marriage, that was exactly what I needed to hear, and I want to thank you for that.

  10. LindaB says:

    My question is, why can you just say she is beautiful, or pretty or lovely or anything other than ‘hot’. Why use that sexualized word/phrase to describe a woman. I think it is very disrespectful for a man to call a woman hot. Teenage buys calling girls hot aren’t thinking oh she’s pretty, she’s cute,she cooks a great brownie.. they are thinking, “I’d do her, she’s hot.”
    You are embracing this culture’s description of what they think women are, taking a word used by the culture and trying to make it acceptable, or perhaps you aren’t, I don’t know.
    The word ‘hot’ has nothing but sexual connotations to it.
    Why don’t you call your wife hot in public..you don’t want people looking her up and down. There is a clear example of what I am saying.
    Would you say, my wife is lovely and she has such a heart for the neighborhood kids. Wow, now that is a compliment from the heart, not the groin. That is something that can be shared with others, and won’t cause her to crawl under the pew and will be bring glory to Jesus, not to her looks.
    Just my thoughts on how to treat a woman with respect not as an “hot” property.
    LB

  11. Abby says:

    Yep – it’s a 2-sided coin. I need to hear from my husband that he thinks I’m hot…because he’s the only one who’s ever seen that side of me. And I have trusted him with my ‘hotness,’ so I need to know that he’s satisfied. (Just for the record, sexual connotation is nothing new! Men have been thinking with their groins since the dawn of time, and women have been prized for their bodies for just as long.) When I was a teenager, my mom would always tell me: “save hot for your husband.” She didn’t tell me not to ever be a sexual being, but to hold off on it until marriage. So glad I did! Now I get to enjoy that freedom with him. I think it would make me uncomfortable to hear my husband say that to other people, just because it’s something intimate that we share. But if it would help to change another guy’s perspective and focus him on his (future) wife, then I’d be fine with it. No woman wants to be locker room fodder, but I would be okay with some respectful teaching. There really is just this culture of lust and it’s so pervasive … wives need to protect their husbands and give them what they need. Husbands need to love their wives above all else, and serve them as Christ serves the church. When it works as God intended, it is the most beautiful thing we can experience! (Also for the record, my husband also praises my intellect, my heart, my determination, my humor, etc…)

  12. Mary says:

    I am not married, (that is a lifestyle I commend all of you for having!) =O) But I have heard as I am sure all of you have as well, how some teenage boys talk about women and how so many of them don’t have positive ideas about marriage. I think it is great if they are able to hear anyone talking in a genuine positive way about thier wife! I also think it is important for our teenage girls to hear as well that it is possible to be in a life long marriage and still feel “hot” for each other!
    I enjoy your columns and thoughts Jonathan! As only a second year youth minister they have helped me out many times! Thanks for your honesty, humor, and insight. And the comment you made about not coming to the phone due to eating meat loaf was great…=O) God bless all of you and have a great day!

  13. Joe H says:

    I think … while both sides of the argument may have valid points … the most significant thing you shared (imho) was your daughter’s comment. You have set a standard for her to truly measure the guys that come into her life. A postitive and high standard that she knows is good.

    The most important thing parents can do for their children is to first have a healthly loving marriage. The second most important thing they can do is set a positive high standard for that marriage that their children see and want to incorporate into their lives.

    You can argue either side all you want … but when the result is Alyssa’s comment/observation … then I say, keep doing what you’re doing! That’s hot dude!

  14. Casey says:

    I have a question. Is it the general consensus of Christian wives that they don’t want to be looked at as “hot” by their husbands? I just cannot wrap my head around that. Sometimes it seems as though wives forget that beyond being Christians, we’re still men. Men and women are obviously wired differently. If a husband compliments his wife on her various qualities AND thinks she’s “hot”, why would you want to discourage that? If a husband is spending his time thinking about his wife, and not somebody else or some model on tv, how can that be a bad thing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m way off base.

    • Casey… I don’t think you’re off base. I think we’ve covered it in pretty good detail in the comments so far, but yes, I think husbands should always compliment her and have his eyes on her.

  15. Tonya Berry says:

    I’m lucky I guess. I married a man 21 years ago who thought I was hot despite the fact that I was a size 18. Now I fluctuate between a 22 and a 24 and he seems crazier about me than ever. And I, too, make a mean meatloaf. What is it about men and meatloaf? Whenever I make it and he walks through the door, his eyes light up. Sorry to anybody offended by it, but there really is something to attraction to each other making your marriage last. And by the way, I don’t care what Chuck Swindoll or Josh McDowell says about men being this way and women are that way….we’re visually oriented too. :)

  16. Tonya Berry says:

    Oh and….my rock star hubby is HAWT. -_-

  17. Mandee says:

    I think that the world has corrupted the word “hot” and made it into a derogatory term that is used in lustful situations.
    If husbands and wives can redeem this word it would be wonderful. God created husband and wife to be attracted… so maybe it is just the word “hot” that makes me a little iffy about sincerity sometimes
    Really enjoyed your article :D