Dumb Jokes That Are Funny

Posted on: 06/14/08 9:35 AM | by Jonathan McKee

Ashley (my 10-year-old) told me a joke this week that actually made me laugh audibly. I don’t know what’s funny about this joke… but it got me:

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said to the other, “Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?”

And the other muffin said, “Aaaaugh! A talking muffin!!!”

Dumb… but funny. Show me what you got!

(added later: Ha… we’ve already got some good ones coming in. I love Lane’s “seal” joke… that’s awesome!)

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266 Replies to “Dumb Jokes That Are Funny”

  1. That was a good one, but I’ve definitely heard it before. But it did remind me of a joke I heard in college. But remember that I went to an engineering college and that’s where this comes from:

    Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, “Hey, you just stole an electron from me!”
    “Are you sure?” asked the second atom.
    The first atom replied, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

    Oh freak, that’s genius.

    1. lol there are some good ones here! but they cant beat mine!

      What do you call a fish with no eyes?

      …Fsh…

    2. i know a joke ok here it goes yo mama so fat i took a picture of her last christmas and the picture is still printing

      who likes it

      i like it its really funny

      heres a nother one yo mama so ugly she got busted for mooning

  2. here’s a chuck norris joke that me and my dad both really like…

    Chuck Norris is so beastly, that when he jumps in the pool he doesn’t get wet, the water gets chuck norris!

    this blog has officially been owned.

  3. Haha! That’s awesome Alec!

    Okay, here you go. This is great if you do these real quick from up in front of a crowd of students:

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    -Ground Beef.

    What do you call a cow with only two legs?
    -Lean Beef.

    What do you call a cow with three legs?
    -Tri Tip.

    What do you call a cow jumping over a barbwire fence?
    -Udder Desctruction.

  4. three of my favorites-

    A three legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my pa.”

    Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings… I was Tolkien in my sleep.

    A baby seal walks into a club…

  5. Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

    What’s Mario’s (from Super Mario Brothers video game) overalls made from? Denim Denim Denim (done to the tune of the song from game)

    What’d the cow say to the farmer? Nothing! Cows don’t talk silly!

  6. Since we’re going down the Chuck Norris route here is my favorite: Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

  7. Here’s one my buddy told me recently:

    What did Spock find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?

    The Captain’s Log!

  8. what is green with wheels?

    grass… i lied about the wheels

    waht kind of key opens a banana?

    a monkey

  9. Ok, as for the Chuck Norris….

    Did you know that Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.

    Another dumb joke…

    Do you know there where 5 constapated men in the Bible?
    1.) Cain, he wasn’t able.
    2.) Moses, he took two tablets.
    3.) Solomon, he sat for 40 years.
    4.) Samson, he brought the house down.
    5.) Balaam, he couldn’t move his…

  10. For the Church Norris fans-

    Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. (New theology?)

    Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

    Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Walker, Texas Ranger marathon on Satellite TV.

    1. Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

      Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

      Chuck Norris called 911 to order Chinese food and got it…..

      Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired

      Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow

  11. Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils?

    What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
    Roberto

    Did you hear that a boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other?
    Apparently the crew were marooned.

    Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can’t get any worse.
    Optimist: Yes they can!

    Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

    What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
    Roamin’ Catholic.

    Famous last words of a mafia hit man: “Who put a violin in the violin case?”

    A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, “Give me some chap stick and put it on my bill.”

    Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
    Right where you left it.

    What is long, brown and runs around the garden?
    A fence.

    How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Fish

  12. Thanks for the jokes! My four year old granddaughter has just enter the silly joke stage and I was looking for some good ones. I found a few gems on your page.

  13. The first time I heard this I cracked up soo much because it was that dumb.

    Ask me if I’m and orange???

    are you and Orange??

    NOOoo

  14. cool site. Here’s one my daughter told me yesterday:

    Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

    The Outside!

  15. 1)Question:How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?
    Answer:Open up the door and put it in

    2)Question:How do you get a giraffe in the refrigerator?
    Person’s response:open up the door and put it in.
    Answer:No you have to take the elephant out first

    3)Question:Lion King has a meeting of all the forest animals and one isn’t there. Which one isn’t there?
    Answer:The giraffe because you put him in the refrigerator

  16. my jokes i have 3

    #1
    There are 5 fish in a tank and 4 of them drown how many are left?

    5 casue fish can’t drown.
    hahaha…

    #2
    3 women are about to be executed. one is blonde, another is brunette, and the last is a redhead.guard brings to bunette forward and the killer askes if she has any last requests. she says no and the killer yells “READY!AIM!” and then the brunette yells “EARTH QUAKE” everyone runs for cover while she escapes. Then the guard brings the Redhead forward and the killer asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the killer yells”READY!AIM!” and the rehead yells”TORNADO.” Everyone ducks and runs for cover while she escapes. Now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings the blonde forward and the killer asks if she has any last requests. She says no so the killer shouts “READY!AIM!” and the blonde yells”FIRE!”
    l0ll. I found tht one hilarious.

    #3
    what is the first letter of yellow.

    “y”

    i just wanted to know.
    hehe.

  17. My favorite dumb joke:

    Two cows were talking and the first cow says “hey, I’m really worried about this mad cow disease” and the second cow says “I’m not worried, I’m a Buick !”

  18. ok how many steps does it take to put and elephant that can fit in a fridge?
    three 1.open the door2.put the elephant in3.close the door…
    how many steps does it take to put a girffe in the fridge?
    four 1.open the door 2. take out the elephant 3. put in the girffe 4. close the door duh…
    ya lol so di du hear about the forest fire? omg it was really bad i wonder what animal is most likely to survie…. well its clearly the girffe cuz its still in the fridge duh! lol its funny right and now ur smiling see i can see u through the screen hahaha

  19. here’s MY favorite jokes:

    A rhino was the result of a one-night stand between Chuck Norris and a hippo
    lol

    What’s green and sings?
    Elvis Parsley

    A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t accept your kind around here.” the mushroom says, “what? I’m a fun guy!”

  20. Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
    He got gaught with seeweed.

    Why do seagulls live by the sea?
    because if they lived by the bay they’d be called bay-gulls

  21. 1)

    A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”

    2)

    A bear walks into a bar and says, “Hey barkeep, I’ll have a gin and…[looks around, then at watch, maybe whistles a little or taps foot aimlessly]…tonic.”

    The bartender says, “O–K…but what’s with the big pause?”

    [Hold hands up, shaking them with alarm/annoyance} “I’M A BEARRRR!”

    3)

    What do you call a stillbirth in a hippie commune?

    A midwife crisis.

    4)

    What do you call a track meet for cross-dressers?

    A drag race.

    5)

    What’s the difference between hungry and full?

    Ate.

  22. 1—There were three women walking along a sidewalk. There was 1 blonde, 1 brunette, and 1 redhead. An apple dropped out of nowhere and hit the redhead on the head. She said, “OWW!” An orange dropped out of nowhere and hit the brunette on the head. She said “OWWW!” A bomb dropped out of nowhere, but missed the blonde and fell behind her. When it exploded, she said, “NO WONDER WHY EVERYONE CALLS THEM SILENT, BUT DEADLY!!!”

    2—A blonde, red head, and a brunette where driving in a convertible when the car went off a cliff and landed in a river. The red hed and brunette swam on shore and waited for the blonde. After a few moments they where beginning to worry. Then finally the blonde came to the shore. They asked, “What took you do long” the blonde repiled: “I couldn’t get the door open.”

    3—A man’s sister has twins, a girl and a boy so he offers to go and register them, and when he gets to the register office he realized he didn’t know what to name them. So he chose their name. Then he went home and told his sister that the girl was called ‘denice’, she said ok that’s nice what about the boy? Oh he’s called denephew!

    4—What do you call a pig with a fork?

    Pork.

  23. here we go
    1. why’d the chicken cross the road
    to get to your house
    knock knock
    whose there
    the chicken

    2. why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?
    it was dead

    3. Why is six afraid of seven?
    because seven eight nine

    4. a horse walks into the bar. the bartender says “why the long face”

    5. why did the turtle cross the road?
    to get to the shell station

    6. what kind of guns do bees use?
    beebee guns

    *anyone wanna tell me more? there fun to say to friends

  24. What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in a pile of leaves?
    rustle

    What do you call a man with no arms or legs, in the ocean?
    bob

    How many lemons can you fit in a lime?
    NONE!

  25. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic and an insomniac??

    A guy who stays up all night wondering if there really IS a dog.

  26. Alrighty,

    A blonde and a redhead are walking down the road, a gang of squirles come up and attack the red head, the blonde crosses the street, she goes out in the middle of the road as a car came, she stood there and jumped out of the way just as the car was about to hit her. The redhead, well what was left of her, looked over and said, “well I guess that girl ain’t no nutt… ”

  27. Two fish were in a tank. The first fish looked over at the second and said,

    “do you know how to drive this thing?”

  28. A pirate with a roll of paper towels on his head walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Hey buddy, what’s with the paper towels?” The pirate says, ” Arr, I got a bounty on me head!”

  29. a pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender said”hey you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?” the pirate said ” aargh it’s driving me nuts!”

  30. If you travel upstream in a cannoe and your wheels fall off. How many puppies can youi fit in your dog house?

    WRONG! ICE CREM HAS NO BONE!!!

  31. A bear walks into a bar and the and says “I want a………………………………beer” so the bartender says “What’s with the big paws”

  32. Q: Why do fish like to swim in salt water
    A: If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze

    Q: What did the mama buffalo say to her little boy when he left for the first day of school
    A: Bison!

  33. Q: Where does hamburger go to dance
    A: The meat ball

    Q: How does one hamburger introduce another hamburger?
    A: Meet Patty

  34. Q: Why are elephants big rough gray and hairy?
    A: Because if they were small, round, smooth and white they would be aspirin tablets

    Q: What do you call an elephant in glass slippers?
    A: Cinderelephant

  35. Q: What do you call a man that never passes gas in public?
    A: A private tooter

    Q: Why are there only 239 beans in a bag of beans?
    A: Because one more would be too farty.

  36. A cannibal runs into another cannibal in the jungle and says “I don’t feel so good I found two Catholic priests last week and I ate them and I’ve been ill ever since”. The other cannibal asks “How did you cook them” to which the other cannibal says “I boiled them”
    And the other cannibal says
    “No wonder those were friars”

  37. where do you find a banana tree in the middle of a dessert?

    In the middle of a dessert.

    What do strawberrys and elephants have in common?

    There both red, except for the elephant

  38. awsome what do you call cheese thats not your cheese…………… Nacho cheese (not-yo cheese)

  39. ok heres one…
    what one strawberry say to the other?
    answer: if you were’nt so freshh we would’nt be in this jam right now.

  40. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros??…………..
    Answer: el – if – I – Know (its funnier hearing the joke than reading the answer).

  41. ok i have 2 really dumb jokes here it goes:

    if u were on a deserted island what would u eat? well i would probably eat “desert”!!!!!!

    the second one is funnier:

    There is a couple who had a huge fight and the guy said that the day he dies he will dig himself out of the grave from the dead and haunt her. well the next day he died. after the funeral,the girl was walking in her house and the neighbor said ” i would move out of that house if i were you” and the girl was confused so she sai ” why?” and the neighbor said ” because your husband said he was going to dig himself out of the grave and haunt you.” and the girl said ” well you better wish him luck digging because i buried him upside down!!!!!”

  42. What do you call somthing thats blue and looks like a bucket?

    a blue bucket

    What do you call something thats red and looks like a bucket?
    (most people will say red bucket)
    A BLUE BUCKET IN DISQUISE!

  43. Why are pirates called pirates?
    B/c they arrrrgggghhhh!

    Why couldnt the little boy get into the pirate movie? B/c it was rated arrrrgggghhh!

  44. Three explorers were discovering new lands. They meet a tribe of cannibals. “alright, here’s the deal new guys. You’re going to die, one way or another we’re going to kill you, eat your insides, and use your skin for our canoes. But you can choose how you die. So, what will it be?” The first explorer thought for a minute and said “I’ll take a gun.” So the cannibals gave him a gun and he shot himself. The Second explorer said, “I’m not that dramatic, give me some poison.” And in moments he was also dead. The third explorer thinks just a bit longer and after deciding announces “I’ll take a fork” the cannibals look at each other and are confused but decide to comply. The explorer takes the fork and begins to stab himself all over. After losing quite a bit of blood he uttered his final words, “HA! So much for your Canoe!”

  45. A football player decides to take his new blonde girlfriend to him game. Afterwards the footballer asks her how she liked it. She said it was great exept I don’t get at the beginning they flipped a coin to see who goes first then the whole game they yell get the quarterback, get the quarterback. I mean gosh its just a quarter.

  46. what is the difference between a pizza and a mathematician?

    a pizza can feed a family of four!

  47. Why can’t blondes make icecubes. They lost he recipe. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses into her class. Her students were to bright. What do astronaughts eat for dinner. Launch meat

  48. One time Chuck Norris had a staring contest with the sun…….and one!

    A lion and a giraffe walk into a bar. They belly and and start doing shot after shot. They get just wasted. The giraffe passed out on the floor…..the lion can barley keep from falling off his bar stool. So the lion decides it’s time to go home. The bartender looks at him and says, “hey you can’t leave that lyin there.” And the lion says, “Thats not a lion it’s a giraffe!”

    Why did the strawberry cry? Cuz his mom was in a jam.

  49. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
    She didnt want to wake the sleeping pills 🙂

  50. omg these are all hilarious, now its my turn 😀

    what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
    where’s my tractor?

    What did the farmer say when his cow got stuck in a tree?
    Get down!

    Two peanuts are walking down an alley way..one was a salted!

    What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the got in the batmobile?
    Robin, get in the batmobile.

  51. three nuns are driving thru mountainous Costa Rica, all of a sudden their VW falls off a steep mountain, They all die and meet at the pearly gates, St. Peter approaches and says, you have all led outstanding lives, but you must answer 1 question before you’re allowed in. He calls the first nun,” ok sister,who was the 1st man God created? “Oh'” she says, That’s easy, That’s Adam.”Alright,” he replies, “you’re in,” Then the next one,”Please tell me, who was the 1st woman that God created,” Oh, that’s so easy” she says,”of course that’s Eve” and he says”you’re in!” The last nun approached, “okay sis, your question is what was the 1st thing that the 1st woman said to the 1st man?” The sis looks kinda worried and says”Oh,That’s a real hard one” Ane St. Peter says “You’re in!!”

  52. Okay, what’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover? with the Hoover the dirtbag’s on the inside of the machine

  53. One time in math class the teacher noticed that little jhonny wasnt paying attention. so she asked him “What is 2 4 22 and44?” jhonny awnsered ABC NBC HBO and cartoon network.

  54. The reason there is five days between the weekend is so that the weekend can get a rest from Chuck Norris.

  55. A man and his wife walk into his shrinks office the wife says “Doc, my husband is so confused, first he thinks he’s a wigwam then he thinks hes a teepee”

    The doc says, ” his problem is he is too tents (tense)”

  56. a guy walks into a bar with a salamander. the bar tender notices, “whats its name?”, and the guy replies “tiny.” to that the bar tender asks “why?” and the guy says “because he’s my newt”

  57. What did Arnold Schwartzenager say after getting in a fight with Chuck Norris?

    I won’t be back.

    Did you know that Chuck Norris chain smokes?

    He rolls up chains and smokes ’em.

    How do you catch a polar bear?

    You dig a hole in the ice. When he bends over to get a fish, you kick him in the ice hole.

    What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?

    Miserable.

    A man decided to go for a walk one day, and he heard this CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK! behind him. He turned around, and a coffin was following him! He started to walk a little faster, and the coffin did too! He started to run, and got to his house, and slammed the door behind him, and started up the stairs, the coffin still following him, CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK! and the coffin busted through the door. The man ran upstairs into his room, the coffin following him, and the man slammed the door! The coffin busted through the door, and the man grabbed the first thing he found to throw at the coffin! He grabbed a bottle of Nyquil, threw it at the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

  58. what do sexy farm animals say to each other?
    brown-chicken, brown-cow, chicken, brown-cow.

    why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: to get to the other side.
    why did the turkey cross the road?
    A: to prove that he wasn’t a chicken

  59. I made these up myself-

    Which Scottish hero lives on an ice cap?
    William Walrus!

    Which animal is the hardest to find?
    A WHERE-wolf!

  60. This is hillarious

    Chuck Norris can eat just 1 Lay’s Potato Chip.

    Chuck N. knows EXACTLY what happened in Vegas.

    Underneath C. N.’s beard there is no chin just another fist.

  61. what do you call a person who rides perfectly good cars at high speeds in to concrete walls?

    a dummy!

  62. 1)Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    cuz he was dead
    Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
    cuz he was holding onto the first monkey
    Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
    he was hit by a dead monkey

    2) How do you scare a unique bird?
    you neek up on it (say it out loud)
    How do you catch a tame bird?
    tame way, you neek up on it

  63. What do you call horses that come out at night?
    Night mares

    Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing!

  64. There was a blond that went in to a store and said to the clerk “I want that TV up there” the clerk said “we do not serve blonds”. So she walked out of the store and then she died her hair orange went in the store and got the same response. She tried again with blue hair and when she failed again she said to the clerk “I died my hair and you still know Im a blond, How?” “Well that is not a TV it is a Microwave” said the Clerk

  65. This one’s from jokes4all.net:

    How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

    Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

  66. What did one lab rat say to the other?

    I’ve got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.

  67. QUESTION:If everyone in the world lived in a jacket, were woul the gangsta’s live?

    ANWSER:In da’ hood

  68. There are 3 girls, one blond, one brunette, and one red-head, and they are hiding from the police in the barn. As the police man walks in, they each jump into seperate barrels. The police man kicks the barrel holding the red-head and she goes “meow” and the police man says “oh its just a cat”. Then he kicks the barrel holding the brunette and she says “squeek squeek” so the police man says “oh its just a mouse”. Then he kicks the barrel holding the blond and the blond says “POTATOES!”

  69. Person 1: Knock Knock
    Person 2: Who’s there?
    Person 1: Interuppting cow
    Person 2: Interupting co..
    Person 1: MOOOOOOO

  70. Ok, heres some:

    Why did the plane crash?
    Because the pilot was a tomato.

    Why did Billy fall off his bike?
    His mum threw a fridge at him.

    What did the penguin do after falling down?
    Got back up again

    lol

  71. In WWII, We were going to send Chuck Norris To Hiroshima, but we decided nuking them would be more humane

  72. so a blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver. The cop says, Can i see some ID?
    The driver says, “umm, what does it look like?”
    The cop says, its the thingy with the picture of you on it.
    So the driver pulls out her pocket mirror, looks in it and says, “Here ya go”
    The cop looks at it and says, “Ma’am, I wouldn’t have pulled you over if i knew you were a cop!”

  73. Q: Why did the coach go to the bank?
    A: Because he wanted his quarter back.

    Q: A tuba player stubs his toe during the parade and needs your help.. what kind of aid would you send them?
    A: Band-aid.

    Q: Your best friend falls into the swamp on his way home from school and needs your help.. what kind of aid would you send them?
    A: Gator-aid.

    Q: A figure skater has a terrible fall during a practice session and dislocates thier knee and needs your help.. what kind of aid would you send them?
    A: Ice-cap-aid.

  74. LOl I think I’m going to die these jokes are so funny! xD
    here’s some

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    He was dead.

    Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
    He was stapled to the monkey.

    Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
    Peer pressure.

    What do you call a deer with no eye?
    No ideer.

    What do you call bears with no ears?
    B.

  75. How do you kill a blue elephant?
    With a blue elephant gun.

    How do you kill a pink elephant?
    Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

    How do you kill a white elephant?
    Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

    How do you kill a yellow elephant?
    Who’s ever heard of a yellow elephant?

  76. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
    To look for elephants who forgot their sandals.

    What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape?
    Grapes are purple.

    What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill?
    “Look, here come the grapes!” (Jane was colorblind.)

    What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?
    “Here come the elephants!” Tarzan wasn’t colorblind.

    What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill?
    Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.

    What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill?
    “You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time!”

    How do you hide an elephant?
    Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree.

    Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree?
    It works, doesn’t it?

    How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
    Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

    How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
    Footprints in the butter.

    How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
    Two sets of footprints in the butter.

    How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
    You can’t get the door closed.

    How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
    There’s a Volkswagen parked out front.

    Why do ducks have webbed feet?
    To stomp out forest fires.

    Why do elephants have flat feet?
    To stomp out flaming ducks.

    What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?
    Run around and around until you’re pooped out.

  77. Sorry no Chuck Norris jokes 🙁 LOL!!
    Soooooooo…
    Three girls were walking with their mom.
    The first girl says “Mom y is my name Daisy?”
    “Because when u were born a daisy pedal fell on ur head,”
    the second girl said “Mom y is my name Rose?”
    “Becasue wen u were born a rose pedal fell on ur head”
    The third girl said “MUH MUH MUH M-“
    Rose said “No one cares about u Cinder Block!”
    HAHAHAHA GET IT??

  78. What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
    “Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, da, da, dead ant.”

  79. Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

    “The chicken sounds good, I’ll have that,” Hillary says.
    The waiter nods: “And the vegetable?” he asks.
    “Oh, HE’ll have the fish.” Hillary replies.

  80. Love this joke:
    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender what drink he should have. The bartender suggests a grasshopper. The man agrees and enjoys the drink a lot. He leaves the bar and begins walking home. Halfway there, he runs into a grasshopper. The man exclaims, “Did you know that they have a drink named after you?!” The grasshopper gives him a puzzled look and replies, “You mean there’s a drink called Stan?

  81. Why don’t ducks tell jokes while they fly?
    So they don’t quack up!

    How do chickens stay in shape?
    They eggs-ercise!

  82. A bunny walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any carrots?” The bartender replies, “No.”

    The next day, the bunny goes to the same bar and asks the bartender, “Got any carrots?” The bartender says, “No.”

    Then the third day, the bunny goes back to that same bar and asks, “Got any carrots?” The bartender says, “No and if you come here asking for carrots again, I’ll nail you to the wall!”

    The next day, the bunny goes to the same bar and asks the bartender, “Got any nails?” The bartender replies, “No.” The bunny says, “Got any carrots?”

  83. What kind of car does and Owl drive?

    A hoooopty

    What do you call two cows sitting on a piece of wood?

    A Catalog.

  84. I have a few.
    What is DNA?
    The national dyslexics of America

    Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. he waits

    Mommy, mommy, I hate my brother’s guts!
    shut up and eat whats on your plate!

  85. Okay I have a few.
    A brunett and a blonde are pushed off a building. Which one hits the ground first?-
    The brunett because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

  86. Okay there is a blonde, brunett, and a red head stranded on an desserted island and a genie appears. The genie says to the red head, you have one wish what will it be? The red head says, “I wish to go back home”. So the genie sends her home. He says the same thing to the brunett. She says, “I wish to go home”. Then he asks the blonde and “she says i wish for the other two to come back because i’m lonley”!!! lol… isnt that funny

  87. MY 11 YR OLD TOLD ME THIS ONE: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in 5th grade. Which one is hotter? The blonde..because she’s 18.

  88. Best Chuck Norris joke ever….

    Chuck Norris died 10 years ago, the Grim Reaper still hasn’t got up the courage to tell him…

    LOL

  89. Ham sandwich walks into a bar, bartender yells……Get the heck otta here we dont serve food here!!!

  90. Some time before, I did need to buy a building for my business but I didn’t have enough money and could not order anything. Thank goodness my mother proposed to take the personal loans from trustworthy creditors. Hence, I did so and used to be satisfied with my student loan.

  91. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other cannibal, “does this taste funny to you?”

  92. A catholic priest, Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods walk into a bar, and Tiger say, “I SWEAR I’m in the wrong joke.”

  93. chuck norris was walking down an alley when a guy stabbed him–then the knife started bleeding!

  94. gr8 stuff guys…i made these up myself

    1) how does a blonde change the bulb?
    answer:simple she takes off the diapers..

    2) how does a dumb blond change the bulb?
    simple: she paints it a new colour..

  95. When Tiger Woods was being all at the top of the find “more-about-list” someone came up with this one:
    What is the diference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?

    Santa Clause stopped at 3 hoes.

  96. my faves:
    1.) why did the toadstool go to the party?
    Answer:because he was a fungi!
    2.) why did he leave?
    Answer:because there wasn’t mushroom!

  97. -What do you do with a dog with no legs? You take it for a drag.

    -What do you tell a one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in.

    -Why couldn’t Hellen Keller drive? Cause she was a woman.

    -Chuck Norris can divide by Zero
    (They never get old)

  98. Why didn’t the turtle drink its milk?
    –Because it was dead.

    How do you get an elephant off of a roof?
    –Take the “r” out of grass and the “f” out of way. (There is no f in way)

  99. Where do you find a dog with no legs?? Right where you left it..Where do you find a cat with no legs?? Right where you left it..Where do you find a bird with no legs..(person you’re telling joke to says “Right where you left it”)(You say Who knows..birds can fly!!!DOI!! haha)

  100. ok i know these are stuped but hey thats what this is about

    how do you wake lady gaga up
    you poker face,

    how do you make lady gaga happy
    just dance

    why is lady gaga so famous
    shes starstruk

    what happends when you put a red rock in a green river
    it gets wet

  101. 3 dogs were trying to impress a beautiful female dog cos she said she would date the one that did.
    She said “the one who can use the words LIVER and CHEESE in a sentence the best,wins. First dog thinks this is easy enough and says “i like liver and cheese.”NEXT! said the female dog.
    The second dog said “i dont like liver or cheese.”
    That sucked said the female.
    “I’ll show you how its done” said the third dog and he said “Liver alone,cheese mine”.

    What does a mexican put under his carpet?
    underlay underlay!

    What did the cow say to the snake?
    mooove over
    what did the snake say to the cow?
    kisssss my arssssse
    what did the cow say to the mushroom?
    mooove over
    what did the mushroom say to the cow?
    not mushroom

    those are dumb jokes haha

  102. if youre canoeing down the road at 55 mph and one wheel falls off how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house?

    September because ice cream doesnt have bones :))

    inspired by Andy

  103. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
    From crawing across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK.”

  104. how many states do we have?

    49 ones underwater
    lol srry i made that one up

    what clubs do peanuts join?

    the illuminuttie
    lol if u dont get it im srry

  105. if chuck norris slept with a man its not because hes gay its cause he ran out of wemon

    chuck norris sleeps with a night light not because hes scared of the dark its because the darks scared of chuck norris.

    chuck norris suferd a horrible snake bite after 5 hours of pain…the snake died!

    srry i got alot of jokes

  106. a donut is on a cruz ship and he asks the captin “captin, can i stear the wheel?” the captin says “No! your a donut” so the donut goes away . . the next day he goes to the captin and says “captin can i stear the wheel?” and the captin says “No your a donut!! if you ask me one more time i’ll throu you over board!” so the donut goes away . . the next day he goes up to the captin and asks him “captin can i stear the wheel?” and the captin throu him over board.

    funny huh? LOL

    one day a couple is happily walking down the beach, and the guy was going to ask his loving girlfriend to marry him, so he pulls out his ring from his pocket to cheak if its steal there and the ring falls into the water and he coulnt find it,. later on that day he took her to a sea food resturant and the girl ordered the lobster . and guess what was inside the lobster! . . . THE DONUT!!!!!! hahaha

  107. How do you make holy water?
    Boil the hell out of it.

    Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    They have big fingers.

  108. A String walked into a bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve to strings here. Now get out!” The string walks out and sits in front of the bar, freys one end and ties a knot in himself. He walks back in and orders the same drink. The bar tender says, “Hey, aren’t you that string I just threw out?”
    The string says, “Nope, I’m a freyed knot.”

  109. “Today, I changed a lightbulb. Then I crossed the road and walked into a bar, that’s when I realized my life is a joke.”

  110. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Why the long face?” The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English.It is confused by it’s surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

  111. You walk in the restroom American and come out Asian what were you when you were in the restroom?…………European (Ur A Peein) haha classic cracked up when i first heard it my favorite

  112. Whats the capital of California?…..
    C
    Ok so the one blonde thought she was so smart cuz she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months cuz the paper said 2 to 4 years on top

    What did the one cat say to the other cat on Valentines day….ur puuuuurdy

  113. So there are three men at a bar, an englishmen, an American, and a scottish man. All 3 men order a guinness. A fly lands in each of the threes mens drinks. The Englishmen says oh this just simply won’t do and pushes the beer away. The American picks out the fly and drinks the rest. The Scottish man picks up the fly and says, “SPIT IT OUT YAH LITTLE BASTARD!”

  114. Did you hear about the invisible man marrying the invisible woman? Their kids were nothing to look at either.

  115. I was taking a walk, when a man came up to me and said, “Buy me… I’m a midget.” I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly, so I asked him to repeat himself. “Buy me… I’m a midget,” he said again. I stepped back, shook my head and said, “Man… don’t sell yourself short.”

  116. why did the girl fall off the swing?
    because she had no arms

    why did the dog run into the tree?
    because he had no eyes

    why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    because he was dead

    why did the cat fall out of the tree?
    because he was stapled to the monkey

  117. what’s green and lays at the bottom of the sea?
    moby pickle

    what’s purple and goes, “SLAM, SLAM, SLAM, SLAM!?”
    a four-door grape

    how are a duck and a bike alike?
    they both have handlebars…except for the duck

  118. there’s 3 guys stuck in a burning building, a smart guy, a guy that’s good with technology, and an idiot. they all have 1 wish each. the smart one wishes he was an eagle and flys out of the building, the techno dude wishes he could teleport and teleports out. the idiot jumps out the window and says, “Oh crap!” he turns into a pile of crap and falls to the ground.

  119. How did the blond try and cross the street ?

    SHE COULDNT CUS SHE COULDNT GET ACROSS ! CUS SHES BLOND !!

  120. What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?

    Let’s get in the batmobile

  121. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

    Anyone can roast beef!

    *
    Why was the sand wet?

    Because the sea weed.

    *
    What animal has two humps and is found at the North Pole?

    A lost camel!

  122. guy one: ask me if i am a tree
    guy two: are u a tree
    guy one: nope

    guy one: why the kid fall of the swing
    guy two: no idea
    guy one: because their was an earthquake

  123. you drown a blonde by telling them that their is a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool
    you drown a sumberine full of blondes by knocking on the door

  124. This guy goes to a horse race one day and makes a bet on one of the horses. The horse ends up winning and he decides to buy some racing horses of his own with the money he got. He names the first horse Clyde and the other horse Dale. He enters them in their first race and Clyde gets in the lead, then Dale is in the lead, then Clyde again, then Dale, and finally Clyde wins and Dale comes in second. The guy is so pleased with his horses that he decides to enter them into another race shortly after. The race goes the same as before; Clyde is in the lead, then Dale, then Clyde, then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, finally Clyde wins and Dale comes in second. The guy enters them in several more races and its always the same; Clyde in the lead, then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, and Clyde ends up winning with Dale coming in second. Years pass and all the races are the same Clyde, then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, Clyde then Dale, Clyde wins and Dale comes in second. Finally after many more years the guy decides they’re ready to race in the Kentucky Derby. They race and it goes Clyde, then Dale, Clyde then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, Clyde wins and Dale comes in second. The guy decides that he should retire the horses after this because they’re getting old. So Clyde and Dale are out in the pasture one day a couple years later and Dale says “Hey Clyde, how come you never let me win just one race? I never even got to know what it feels like to win…” and Clyde says “Alright, I’ll tell you what. We can race to the edge of the pasture where that dog is standing over there and I’ll let you win.”. They race and it goes like this; Clyde in the lead, then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, Clyde, then Dale, Clyde ends up winning and Dale comes in second. Dale is furious, he yells “Clyde! i thought you were going to let me win!” and the dog says “Holy crap! talking horses!”

    This is my favorite joke of all time. Its better to tell to someone in person because its hilarious to see their reaction when they find out that they spent all that time listening to a joke that was completely pointless.

  125. -why did the chicken cross the road
    “to get to the other side”
    -Knock Knock
    “whose there?”
    -The Chicken:D
    BHAHAHAHAHAH……i love these joke on this blog/site

  126. i have a lot

    1) what is sad about the people who drove off the cliff
    they were my friends

    2) Knock Knock
    Who’s there
    Dave
    Dave who
    Dave sadly wept because his grandmother with alzheimer’s could no longer remember his name

    3) A horse walks into a bar and asks ware’s the bar tender? a guy says “he’s dead”

    4) whats worse than loosing your lunch money?
    the Hullacost

    5) Y did the monkey fall out of the tree? it was dead
    Y did the other monkey fall out of the tree? it was stapled to the first monkey
    Y did the other monkey fall out of the tree? peer pressure

  127. A blonde is fed up of being dumb so she dies her hair brunnet so she isnt dumb any more , she drives past a farmer and his flock of sheep and she thinks to her self arrrrrrr adorible so she gets out of her car and says to the farmer if i can guess how many sheep you have can i keep one and the farmer being a big gambler so he said yes . the women says 150 and the farmer is in a amzment she got it right so she picked a sheep and got in her car then the farmer came up to her and said if i can guess what colour your hair really is can i have my dog back . LOL

  128. Whats green and invisible?
    This Cabbage (holds out empty hand)

    Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
    She had no arms
    Why didn’t she get back up?
    She had no legs

    These jokes are supposed to be so bad they’re funny!

  129. I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it is kinda cheesey.

    So you are Chinese, and go to the bathroom. You come out of the bathroom American. What are you in the bathroom?
    -European

    Why did the little boy get on the train?
    -He had to go toot toot

    This next one is one big joke that should be said all together.
    How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator
    -Open the door, shove it in, close the door.
    How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
    -Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in, close the door.
    There is a meeting, every living thing in the world goes to it, including animals, people, insects, plants, etc, except ONE thing. Who didn’t attend the meeting?
    -The giraffe; he was in the refrigerator.
    You have to cross a body of water, which is home to many alligators. There is no boat, and you can not walk around it, how do you get to the other side?
    -Just swim through it! The alligators are at the meeting!

    That is all I got!(:

  130. A termite went into a bar, and asked “Where’s the bar tender?”

    Get it? Some people do, others don’t. For those who don’t I will explain. A termite is known to eat wood, when he asks for the ‘bar tender’ he is actually asking where the bar is tender, so he can eat it. Get it now? Makes you feel kind of dumb, but it is okay, many people don’t understand.

    Another one:
    person one: Ask me if I am a little red truck!
    Person two: Are you a little red truck?
    Person one: No.
    It makes no sense, I know. My father does this to me all the time, and when I ask him what it means, he says nothing. The whole idea is to make person two confused because what is the point of asking if you are a little red truck when there is no explanation to why you asked in the first place.. I still don’t quite understand the whole concept…

  131. This joke is REALLY long, but it is worth the wait.

    Person one: A man was in his car going down a really long road in the middle of nowhere, when all the sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, a little up the road is a monastery. He walks up to the door and knocks until a monk answers.
    “May I spend the night here? My car broke down and I have nowhere else to go.”
    “No can do.” Says the monk
    “Please! I will do anything! I will even pay you!”
    “Oh okay fine. Follow me to your room.” So the man follows the monk into the house and to a bedroom “I have only to ask you this, no matter what you do, hear, smell, anything, do not leave this room until I tell you it is okay. Have a good sleep.” And the monk left. The man then went to sleep, only to wake up during the middle of the night to a strange banging noise. He did not want to betray the monk, so he did not go investigate the sounds. Instead, he went back to sleep, only to be awoken by the monk later that day. “Sir, we have fixed your car, you may leave now.” The man quickly thanked the monk and left.
    A few months later, the man went down that same road, and his car broke down at the same spot. Once again, he begged the monk to stay the night. The monk told him to not leave the room until he said it was okay. Oddly enough, the man slept in the same room, and at the same time (middle of the night) the man was awaken by a strange banging noise. Again, he obeyed the monk and went back to sleep. That morning, when the monk came to the man’s room, the man asked the monk what the strange banging noise was.
    “The noise you are hearing comes from behind this door.”
    “Well, what is behind the door? May I look?”
    “You must have a key; the door is locked.”
    “May I have the key?”
    “No. Besides, only a monk can go beyond this door.” said the monk
    The man really wanted to know what the noise was, so he decided to become a monk. The monk said that in order to do this, he must sell every one of his possessions, and then give away all of his money. So the man left and did as the monk instructed. He returned to the monastery 3 months later.
    “I did what you said, monk. May I have the key?”
    “You are not ready. I want you to take this bible, and memorize. Return to me, and then I will ask you to rehearse it to me.”
    With that, the man left the monk and he studied the bible. Two years later, he returned to the monk, rehearsed the bible, and asked for the key. The monk then said “Now that you know the bible, you must travel the world, learn the other cultures, and teach the others the ways of the bible. Return to me once completed.”
    The man, eager to know what the noise was behind the door, did as the monk requested. Five years after exploring the world, the man returned to the monk and explained his journeys.
    “Am I now a monk?” asked the man
    “Yes sir. You are a monk. You may now have the key and go inside.” replied the monk, pointing at the door.
    The man gladly took the key from the monk and opened the door, finally finding out what the noise was..
    THE END

    Person two: So what was behind the door? What was the noise from?

    Person one: I can not tell you, only a monk may know.

    The only negatives about this joke is it is very long, you may forget parts here and there, and person two may not actually ask what the noise was, making the joke a waste of time. It is funny, although, how aggrivated people get when you tell them this. They insisted on you telling them what was behind the door..

    I hope you enjoy this joke and tell it to all of your friends!!

    I actually have another quick and easy joke.. This one is probably used a lot, but here it goes!
    Person one: What is your name?
    Person two: ___says their name___
    Person one: Oh! How do you spell it?
    Person two: __spells out their name__
    Person one: No! I T. I asked you how to spell IT not ___person two’s name__

    Have fun!!

  132. Okay I luv these

    Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
    Fo’ drizzle

    What do you call a loan from a bison?
    A BUFFA-LOAN

    What did the butcher do when he backed into the meat grinder?
    He got a little behind in his work

    There’s two fish in a tank. One says
    You man the guns I’ll drive

  133. 1.) Wanna hear a clean joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles.
    Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a man. Hahaha
    2.)Whats the best way to burn calories? Light a fat kid on fire.
    3.) Wanna hear a joke about a pencil? Never mind, its pointless.
    4.)Wanna hear a joke about a cliff hanger? I’ll tell you later.
    5.)What did the stoplight say to the car? Don’t look at me, I’m changing.

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  135. Q-why did the boy drop his ice cream
    A-because he got hit by a bus

    bar and casino
    liquor in the front poker in the back

  136. Here’s a tribute to Mitch Hedberg, the king of dumb and funny jokes.

    I had a parrot who could talk. He didn’t say he was hungry, so he died.

    I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

    Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

  137. Q: What did the philosophical pirate conclude upon contemplating the nature of existence?
    A: I think therefore I ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

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